Everyone is facing a battle. I am no different from people. I’ve been thinking a lot about myself lately, of how different I have become–a product of my battles, decisions, my culture, my inborn qualities and all the other significant factors in between.
Life has definitely not been easy. I haven’t been writing and everything is all jammed up in my head. I want a fictional story to come out of it but somehow it doesn’t feel quite right. I want to be able to write something inspirational for everyone to read but I cannot find anything inspirational about the things that are occurring and recurring in my life. It seems like everything I set my eyes on gets people talking.
I am almost close to the resolve of just shutting down from almost everybody I have ever known.
If it were just possible to shut out every other person in one’s life and just journey on my pursuit of God, I will do so. It was easier back in uni days to just sit and talk to My Father because I just had to worry about school requirements, petty insecurities and how to stretch my allowance long enough to reach the day my parents will give me money again.
I look back and think of things that I have put upon myself and as much as I do not want to admit it, there are some regrets. I guess you are never fully human if you do not regret some of the choices you make. It is totally a lie to say that you DO NOT REGRET whatever you have done in the past because it is what makes you today. It easy to say such things if you are okay in life, which probably means that I am not okay and I do not think the people close to me right now can make it any better.
For the first time in my life, I want to be rid myself of everything that has to do with religion, move to another place where I do not know anyone and just start a new. Don’t get me wrong, I will never let go of my faith in Jesus because He is the very foundation of my life but I just want to have no accountability whatsoever with anyone. I want to be alone with my thoughts and not have anyone telling me what I should or should not do; to not be judged because of whatever superficial standards set by a patriarchal, sexist, capitalist society. Maybe I should sign up for the Mars expedition–probably too late for that, it isn’t very logical either.
This is my current battle. What’s yours?