2014–not a good year. Truth be told, it was not all bad, but I literally felt like dying through the process. Not really trying to sound overly dramatic here but I’m telling it like it really is from my side. Despite everything that has happened, I just know that I grew through everything.
The original article wherein 1,000+ words were already keyed in was really selfish. Even though I was happy that 2015 has come and all the hang-ups from last year have resolved themselves, I had little things in my heart that propelled me to write, then, that I have to somewhat release all the anger, bitterness, pain, depression and anxiety I felt in waves throughout 2014. Looking back to last year’s processes–I definitely don’t know how I did it. I made it through 2015 and that is the most awesome part–to be alive here and now.
The purpose of this blog is not to only word vomit through my fingers because of the need to express the self, but also to inspire and to make people think on how beautiful life really is, to share my life in this medium because I want to die emptied of everything because I gave it away, I gave it all away.
So in this article, let me share some gems of life-learning which I found during what I deemed The most challenging year so far because I was stretched beyond lengths I cannot even imagine that I had to go through.
If it is love–real love, it stays with you no matter what odds there are–2014 was the year I learned how to love, to love the people around me, to love my music, to love my work, to love my ministry, to love my process because I had love in me and around me.
I learned to love the people around me–I have different peer groups in the Penh and I have to divide my time to build relationships because life is all about relationships. There was also a certain season when I had to figure out what love is when it comes to people and how different they are according to the kind of relationship you have with each group, with each individual. When you look at a person for the first time, you try to figure out who they are–it takes love to understand their flaws, it takes love to understand them, just to understand them. My relationships were definitely tested–there is no giving up even when the waters become turbulent.
I had abandonment issues when it came to relationships in 2014, because as it seems, that I’m always the one who’s left behind-leaders, friends, loved ones. This is such a selfish thing to think about, however, I am still a human being, corruptible and capable of feelings. So when someone leaves, I try to understand why. I am not the type of person who will express my feelings in the open. I don’t put up my anger on social media or do any form of public display but believe me when I tell you the feelings eat me up inside. When people left and I was distraught, I had to either love or hate. I chose to love. I chose to deal with the absence with love. When I made the choice, no matter how painful things were, I could go on with life and look life in the eye and say, “It’s going to be alright. I’m going to be alright.” When I chose to love and just love those people, I was freed from bitterness and I harbored no ill-feelings towards the situation and/or the people. In life, I realized, people can judge you by how they see you in the physical, they do not and will not know how you struggle but that’s okay because if you choose to love, love casts out all the negative feelings, love casts out fear, anxiety, bitterness, pain, depression–love casts out human selfishness. Love makes room for understanding and freedom.
I learned to love my music–more. In the process of dealing with my emotional issues, I grew tired and didn’t touch my guitar for a while–I took a break which I thought was a much needed break. When life beats you down, there will be a time when you want to escape, even from the thing you love the most. Then I realized that music is my lifeblood. The more I didn’t play, the more I felt distraught–the more I felt I couldn’t move. Then one day, I saw my guitar by my bedside and it was coated with dust. I saw how lonely it was just sitting there. So I picked it up, wiped the dust off and began strumming a few chords until I was immersed in the process. The songs I sang made my heart feel light and after that jam, I appreciated how blessed I am to have music at my fingertips.
I learned to love my work. 2014 presented me with a new opportunity to really practice what I studied for in the university. It was fun at first but then when other areas of my life started turning in on me, I was losing all source of joy for my job. I went to work with a cloud of gloom above my head. I get irritated at the slightest mistake and I became exhausted by end of business at 5pm. I go home and I just want to sleep life away. I then had to change perspective and look at how I can love my work even more. I motivated myself to go through each day and it paid off, by 4th quarter, I was promoted. Best feeling ever.
I learned how to love my ministry–more. I had a mission when I came to Cambodia and I still do have it. It is an on-going process, a battle of will, of endurance, of perseverance and many more. I came to a point where I didn’t want to do it anymore. It was eating up my time. I lost focus. I lost purpose. I lost all love for it but I still do it. Little did I know that choosing to just show up and be there, to be available to fulfill my duty would be an avenue to deepen the commitment that I have. The burden is real when it comes to ministry, when people don’t show up when they should, when they say they will but won’t at last minute. I chose to learn how to find that love in this area of my life. I kept on even if sometimes the pain towards things accompanied each step. In my journey, I discovered more of me and rediscovered why I am still here. I thank my mentors for just being there, I know that this level that I am in, in my commitment to the Worship Team is higher because I have people that push and cheer me on.
I learned to love my process, however painful it might’ve been and it still is. Being stretched to overcome this life is not a pretty picture but it helps to discover that after all the pulling it takes in order for me to grow, that life hasn’t beaten me, that I am blessed to live another day, that I have a chance to reach out to more people and share my passion, my love to them. I have been broken down into a million pieces in every aspect of my life, meant that I have a million pieces more of myself to give away–this realization, I found to be beautiful.
I have purposed my life to be wasted on people, given away so that when I die, I die empty. I am comfortable with the fact that I have given it all away–every part well spent. It will be up to the people to think my parts are useful for them or not.
And so I look forward to 2015, for some reason, I feel like this is going to be an awesome year. I hope you who have been patient enough to read 1,000+ words on this article will also have that hope that 2015 will be awesome. Let’s live and love this year. Live just to love, just to love.