Woah. Deep. Not really. I am blogging for the sake of feeling that I have given out because it feels like I am up to the brim with all the things that are going on with my life.
So what’s with the title? Well, take it as it is. I have come to a point when the only remedy to ease the turmoil inside is a song from the inside. The song is somewhat a declaration to myself, despite what the on-goings are. I came to a point where I cannot even articulate what’s going on inside of me. I found it amusing because I have always known myself. I feel something and I know what’s the cause of it. But at that point when I can no longer begin to define what is the source of this unquenchable anguish, I turn to look at The Cross and The One who bled and died for me and start to feel how that made me feel.
Truth be told, I am not really as strong as everyone sees. If anything, I think that I can crumble anytime. I am a walking bomb–no reference to Fault in our Stars dialogue. I have this tendency to just keep everything that is thrown my way–like a magpie when it finds a shiny object. Whether it be a senseless comment or remark from someone, a treasured memory, crashing on a motorbike. Whether it be physical, which is wayy easier to keep, or emotional pain. Keep. Keep. Keep. Keep until there isn’t any room anymore and the place I keep things is ready to burst–and man, it drives me nuts. Eventually I crash, mostly when nobody sees, very rarely in public. It is very convenient for me to have a room to myself, that way, not many can join in the fun of the blast. I sometimes allow myself to crash in front of the very few people I’m comfortable letting myself be seen in all my vulnerability.
I actually feel more comfortable being seen as apathetic. It’s okay for me to be seen as uncaring or unaffected because it is this cleverly crafted defense mechanism that allows me to get through each day. I simply subconsciously choose not to pay attention.
But through this whole charade of laughing and making people laugh, giving a splendid display of okay-ness–there is darkness within.
I am not the purest person in the planet. I am not really a good Christian. I swear sometimes when I’m driving. I think of murdering people in daylight. I sometimes think, when I pass the bridge late at night after gigs, that people are taking so much time standing there crying as they contemplate suicide. It would be good to just ride my motorbike all the way down the river and put an end to this life. Being the artist I am helps in the romanticizing the idea of suicide. There other deeds that I choose not to disclose for if people can actually see me 24/7, I wouldn’t be anyone’s role model.
I am simply typing out things that my conscience feels comfortable to share. I have just about had enough of writing encouraging stuff about anything and everything. My mind, body, soul and spirit scream that I share something this very moment.
And yes, there are times when I feel I cannot possibly get out of this chaos and I just know from whatever things I was taught in the secured corners of home, that there is just one last thing I can possibly do–so I cry out in worship.
It is just so shameful for me to admit that I kind of have Jesus as the last resort–when I can’t fix things anymore, when my being independent cannot simply do the trick. I rebuke myself and remind me that I should first run to Him–because really, I cannot simply do anything without His grace.
I am listening to my song in a loop because that feeling of desperation/depression, call it whatever you like is upon me. So here is the song that has shed some light in the midst of this personal dread and I hope it brings some light to those who might come across this post.