Day 18: Someone you wish you could be

We grow up looking up to people all our lives. I do not think that will ever disappear. Everybody needs a hero. We walk this life’s path looking to people or things that we pattern our values to. Nothing is wrong with doing so, our uniqueness is composed of these things that we look to. The sad thing is, the whole world is full of idols, of things that we give permission to take over our lives.

I am not exempted, I have let things take control over me. I have let the standards and stereotypes define my life, well, most of it. I am not different from the rest of the world who tries to go against the flow but fall just too short.

Beyond my weaknesses, being who I am, I know of one person who will never, ever love me any less and so, even though I go through dark days, I know that he will remain worthy and that he will remain loving, understanding.

To You who has loved me with a love unconditional,

I cannot think of any other person who is like you. There is no one like you. You first reached out to me when I was helpless, when I was unlovely, when I didn’t have anything to give to the world. You reached out your hand and took me in to your arms and just held me tight. I didn’t need any qualifications. You didn’t need any, you said. You never asked anything from me, just my friendship, just that.

I either hold back the tears or well up in tears when I remember that time you found me. For the longest time, I pretended to be strong. I lived in a world where my sexuality defined the do’s and dont’s, where much is expected from me because that is how people will value me–by my achievements, by the awards and rewards I have gained. I lived my whole life believing that if I did not accomplish anything, if I didn’t look good, if I wasn’t good at anything I wasn’t worthy of attention, I wasn’t worthy of love. I lived by people’s expectations and tried to please everyone–well, we know that that’s impossible but still I tried to be perfect. All my heartaches, pains, troubles, I hid in the deepest depths of my heart, only to bring them out in the shadows where even I can’t see myself mourn, cry, grieve because of them. I didn’t feel that anyone genuinely cared. Well, not until you.

So, my dearest Jesus, none compares to you. It is true that I cannot see you, well, my dreams exempted, but I can hear you. I hear your voice loud and clear–telling me how you love me, telling me it’s alright to let every brick of the fortress I built around me fall, telling me it’s okay to feel the things I feel because that is who I am, that is how I was made and that I was fearfully and wonderfully made.

I want to be like you. A person that does not give any judgment, no condemnation, only loves. It is quite a challenge to be like you. I fall at times. When I think I’m doing okay, I fall. I pray that grace be given to me to be more like you. I pray that wisdom may be upon me in the things that I do, in the situations I might find myself in. I pray that I may have the love that sees past stereotypes, past prejudice.

I realize that I am really far from achieving what I want. But I know that as long as I wake up each morning, I have the chance to make it right. I have the chance to do the things you did when you were still walking on earth.

Thank you for loving me with love unconditional. Thank you for being my good shepherd, who would look for me if I fell astray. Thank you for being a father, who’d always wait by the door of the house to welcome a prodigal child back. Thank you, most of all, for being my friend, for being there for me to run to.

I love you with all I am,

 

Lisa

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