For every offense, every heart ache, every tear, every hurt, pain and so on–I’d probably spend my whole lifetime apologizing to people I know I have inflicted some sort of pain to and to those I didn’t know I hurt. I am human after all.
Hurting people is something no one would like to do, well, maybe some people love to do it for some twisted sense but I do think that human beings just want to be happy, most people would just want their loved ones to be happy.
I digress, in this broken world, happiness is such a fleeting thing. Sometimes, happiness is so short-lived that one may tend to think that sadness governs his or her life.
Getting back to the subject at hand, I have hurt a lot of people in these short years of living. When I thought about who I should address the letter to, it seemed that a general letter will not do my apologizing any justice. It will not ease the pain in the hearts of those I have caused hurt to. So I thought long and hard on who to apologize to and I came up with this…
To my 5-year old self,
I vaguely remember you. I could recall you by significant events during this time, like being a big sister for the first time, catching grasshoppers in the field with friends after school is done and first time of commuting home with Tito Eros–these moments of innocence, these moments that are still so clear to me.
Fast forward to the future, to this present moment, I look back and it seemed to me that I have failed you somewhat. I look back to you and look to where I am now, I am dearly sorry for what I have become.
I hope you could forgive me for the things that I have done that you didn’t even think you’d do. Forgive me for abandoning your dearest best friend after being in separate classrooms several school years later. Forgive me for not giving priority to keep that friendship with her–as of this moment, I regret to tell you that we are living separate lives and rarely get to say ‘hi’ or ‘hello’ even if social networking in cyber space is very available. I hope you could forgive me for straying away from every friend that you made, time got the best of me, my prejudices got the best of me, my dreams got the best of me–I didn’t think that being friends with them would be so valuable at this point of my life. Don’t worry, we’re still friends but not as close as you hoped you guys would be in the future.
Forgive me for being a not-so-ideal-big sister, I know how much you wanted to have little sisters to take care of. The first one, I have neglected for years, the youngest, I have not really made any effort to know her while she was growing up–I was far-away, I am sorry. I didn’t have the chance to defend them from bullies or braid their hair or play with them much. I am making up for it now, I promise you. I am trying my hardest to do so. I realized that family is one of the things you can’t ever trade for any riches in the world.
I know how proud you were when you first went home without mom or dad, you even gave directions to the tricycle to find our house. I’m sorry for not always taking the right direction in this path in life. I have grown to be rebellious and sometimes, I love to take a wrong turn to feel alive. I have tainted your innocent soul with the ways of this world. I am sorry. I know that I am redeemed. I know that you’re tight with Daddy God, we still are, but sometimes, I tend to forget. Growing old, is taking its toll on me. I have so much responsibilities on my hands right know, I know this is not an excuse but nonetheless, I had to get it off my chest. Nothing could ever excuse me for making wrong decisions. I hope you forgive me.
I didn’t become an architect, I didn’t become a lawyer. I know how much you aspired to do any of those occupations but I didn’t like drawing houses or buildings that much anymore when I was deciding which course to take, not to mention I sucked at math (I still do), and having seen the injustices in this world I couldn’t be bothered with reading law books.
I’m sorry, I broke our heart many times. I know how much you wanted to live in a romantic fairy-tale-like world. I know how much you dreamed of having that prince charming who will sweep you off your feet. I broke it in the process of making myself believe that I was waiting when I was actually looking, looking hastily. I wounded our heart, cracked it and scarred it in the process. I then bundled up our heart and hid it in a chest so deep, there was no getting it anymore. Now, I’m finding it hard to trust because I don’t want to hurt it anymore. I get scared often. I’m sorry. I am still healing from a past heartache and now channeling my energies to doing what I need to do. I realize that I just won’t give it to anyone, not until I see that one man will stand and really pursue us.
I have failed you many times. I don’t think I could ever make up for what I have done but now, be assured that I am on the right track, that I am pursuing a life that you would want to have–a life shared, a life that does not exist but lives, a life that is wasted on loving everyone around it. I am pursuing our passions, I am pursuing most of all, a great love story with He who is far lovelier than any being in the universe.
I close my eyes and think of you smiling and running at the field with your friends. I think back to that moment when life was easy and you were content. I think back and aspire more for us in the future.