I am not one to keep grudges, I used to do so and learned from it in an extremely painful way. Nowadays, I try to understand people as much as I could. If I do get offended, I ask how and why I did get offended. I evaluate. I re-trace the steps on how and why I ended up getting hurt.
I believe that we have shared responsibilities in everything. You have some part in making something happen, yes, even in moments in life where you are the one that ends up hurting. Thinking about it, if you didn’t give a gosh-darn reaction to something, even if it was intended to hurt you, you wouldn’t get hurt.
Mom always tell me, “Only your reaction will harm you.” What she says always stands true for every circumstance I am in. It is really up to me to be hurt.
So when I think back to my painful experiences, there are but a selected few that reappear in my thoughts from time to time. I especially wanted to write about this particular person who have caused me harm.
To the one who seized the opportunity of my sweet innocence,
I have forgiven you. Forgive and forget–yeah, that might be it. Even if I try hard to remember your face, my memories forbid me to do so. For some reason your very face has been erased from my memories. I am unable to recall what you look like.
Freshman college, I was traveling alone in a ship from my province to city capital–24 hours of floating on water. I have always loved to go to the deck of the boat and stargaze. I was very friendly. It wasn’t easy to talk to me, that probably was the problem, I talk to strangers. I was enjoying the evening breeze chatting with some random guy when you interrupted the conversation. You chatted me up and asked about random people I know from the province, turned out you knew my uncle and the conversation just kept going from there.
The night unraveled and it wasn’t soon until you slowly changed into someone who wants so much more from me, the conversation was not enough, before I knew it you had trapped me unable to shout help to anyone to save me because I didn’t know anyone. I grew scared, had a fear so deep I couldn’t find myself in the blackness. My breath quickened, I tried to close my eyes and wish that it was all a bad dream but I couldn’t sleep. I waited ’til morning to escape from your grasp.
My mind was raising as I continue to find refuge in familiar faces. I talked to them like nothing happened. I stayed far-away from you as possible and when the boat docked, I was free but didn’t feel like it.
It took months before I finally told my parents about that feeling of disgust by having someone take possession of me. I was angry at myself although I put on a mask everyday to hide the fact that someone took advantage of me–being the strong woman that other people saw gave me a sense of power over that feeling of shame. It wasn’t until I told my mom and dad and well, my whole family about it that I felt totally free.
But that experience left me with a scar that I find it difficult to trust in people–something that I am still trying to conquer. It is all by God’s grace that I am able to face the world right now with my head held high.
My music helped in getting past that dark experience. My loved ones became pillars of my weakened frame. God and his grace is what kept me together.
I am blessed to have people who love and support me. I am blessed to have a Daddy God I believe in, who continuously gives me hope and who consistently tells me that His unconditional love cannot be broken by any mistake.
I hope that wherever you are, that you are living your life to the fullest. I hope that you are happy.